I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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