Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Randomize
