I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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