I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
