don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
