he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
