come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
