Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
