I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I believe in your delicious
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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