just come out here and I will go home with you...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
