I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
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