Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
