you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
