why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
