Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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