look no pants
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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