Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
