i need an iv and a liver transplant
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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