I'm jealous of your bromance
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
