Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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