Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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