The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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