i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
