I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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