So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
