she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Shame - the story of my life.
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