I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
