I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
