Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
