I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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