Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Randomize
