So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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