i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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