Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i will never coherently bang her
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
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