I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize