i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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