I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
