don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
