Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
