he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
