Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Randomize
