I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
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