Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
A+ Viking dick
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
