why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
