I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
