A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
