I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
