he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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