i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
