I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
