he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
