WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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