Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You are the jesus of drinking
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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