he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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