So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
