I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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