why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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