Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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