I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
