take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
